When Perfect Doesn't Feel So Perfect. Tips From A Journey To Food Freedom

"I can't eat that", "I wish I looked like her", "I look fat in these pants"-statements that may sound harmless yet hold so much power. If repeatedly thought and spoken, what once said in jest, can soon become our reality. Sadly, many women and men have struggled with disordered eating for some or all of their life, myself included. Fortunately just because that was our journey for a period of time doesn't mean that has to be the rest of the story. Everyone's recovery and journey is different, and I am not a therapist or doctor, but I am someone who has more first-hand experience than I would like when it comes to this topic, but I hope my journey can provide any value to someone who's struggling. Here are a few points I wish I had known.

It's not really about the food

For many, yet not all, individuals, an eating disorder is rarely about the actual food, yet rather something deeper like control, fear, or pain. You may not be able to control what's going on in your life but you can control what you eat. You can control what the scale says. You can control when you have your meals. And while all those things sound rather trivial in hindsight, when someone feels as if they are losing grip in one area of their life, it can bring comfort knowing they can have control over something...even something small like never eating certain foods. And what may start as something small can soon spiral into an all consuming thought pattern that has ramifications in all areas of life. In the midst of my struggle I thought it was about the food and being fearful of gaining weight, yet after reflection the food was just an outlet of a deeper struggle. If you too find yourself in a difficult relationship with your body, I urge you to take a deeper look. Past the scale, past the food, past the mirror. Once you are able to identify the root cause, you will be able to take actionable steps to heal.

Move more, not less

Now this is a tricky one, and again this is coming from my own personal experience and may not be the approach for everyone. In the midst of an eating disorder you may find yourself becoming disconnected from your body. Deep down inside you know this pattern of restriction and negative thinking provides no value, yet...to be honest, you don't care. In an attempt to suppress the knowledge that your body has stopped responding in certain areas, you disconnect from it. In my case, running enabled me to connect back with my body and understand the power I had inside me. Now I wouldn't suggest taking up long distance running during the heart of an eating disorder, but small doses over time may help someone connect to their breath and body. Be honest with yourself during this time. Would you run if you knew it wouldn't have any impact on the way you looked? Movement should not be a catalyst to move one addiction to another. In my case, I knew if I wanted to be serious with running I needed to fuel my body appropriately-having a drastic impact on the way I viewed food. No longer was it a game of how much I could limit, but rather an effort to love my body by giving it the nutrients it needed to recover and perform. I knew I could have running or the eating disorder...luckily running won.

Exposure & Accountability

If someone is training for an ultra marathon, yet fails to create a plan and put in the work,

their chances of success are quite low. The same is true for recovery. It will take work, exposure, accountability, good days, and bad days. But just like running, something that once felt hard and uncomfortable will one day come easy. Exposing yourself to foods you are uncomfortable with, and finding someone you trust to keep you accountable are key in recovery. I'm happy to say that the disorder is something I've been free from for years now, but it took time, humility, love, and a little bit of work..just like running.

Just like us, eating disorders come in all shapes and sizes. Just because someone looks "normal" doesn't mean they have a healthy relationship with food or their body. If you personally find yourself struggling know that it doesn't have to be a forever battle...because a life of freedom, no matter how tightly you find yourself holding onto an idea of perfection, is a true gift. If you know someone who is struggling, lovingly let them know you are there for them and when they are ready to heal you'll be close by. Life is too beautiful to be weighed down by thoughts of shame, regret, hate, and fear. If you are struggling, I hope these points can help you too move towards your own food freedom:)

Gut Healing Thai Soup

High mileage in the winter can be tricky. It's cold, dark, and if you live in Colorado, probably windy. Sometimes the last thing I want to do after work is pull out the headlamp and head out for a 2nd run on the day; however, having a warm soup at home waiting for me makes those chilly miles a little more bearable. Soups are also fantastic during high mileage weeks because you can make enough for several days to save some time! I absolutely hate leftovers, but there's something about soup that actually gets better the next day...especially this soup. In addition to keeping me warm, and saving time, this recipe has plenty of gut healing ingredients like, coconut milk, cooked veggies, turmeric and cilantro. Training for multiple hours a day can take a toll on your stomach, especially if you are incorporating some workouts into the week so making sure your gut is filled with nourishing ingredients is key!

Soups are fantastic because you can really just throw whatever you have into a pot, add some broth and seasonings and call it a day! I experimented with this recipe as a curry but decided I liked it as a soup better, but you could totally leave the broth out to make it a little heartier. Typically I'll serve the soup over a little jasmine rice but you could serve it just as itself too...just don't mix the rice in the soup, it needs to be on the bottom of your bowl first (trust me:)

We're all about the toppings at the Farmer household so I love to add extra lime, chili sauce, and cilantro for some added freshness.

You can use whatever veggies you have on hand. I've used butternut squash, potatoes, summer squash, broccoli, carrots, bell peppers, or asparagus and every time it tastes great...so use whatever you like and have on hand. If you eat meat I'm sure you could make this with that (but I have no tips there ha:)

Ingredients

2 Broccoli Crowns

5 Whole Carrots

(Or a few cups of any vegetables)

1 Can Coconut Milk

32 oz low sodium vegetable broth

1 Jar Curry Paste (Red or Green)

3 Limes

Salt

1 Tbs Turmeric

Chili Paste (too taste)

Cilantro (handful)

1 Cup Jasmine Rice

1 Avocado

Saute or steam veggies till almost tender. Mix in curry and spices. Once incorporated add coconut milk, and broth (add more broth if it simmers down too much). Let simmer for 30 minutes. Right before serving squeeze in the juice of two limes. Place rice on bottom of bowl. Top with soup, cilantro, extra lime, avocado, and chili paste. Enjoy on a preferably snowy Colorado night:)

A Year In Review

2020 A Year in Review

I remember sitting here this time last year, excited for a handful of races throughout the year…little did I know the adventures 2020 would take me on. Instead of a year training for races and time goals, I found myself on adventures and personal challenges that taught me more about myself as an athlete and person than any race ever could. Running turned from a hobby to an outlet of prayer, creativity, friendship, and joy. Running may just be one foot in front of another, but for me…this year…it was so much more.

In review

Walking into the year I had plans for races ranging from marathons to 100 milers, and unless you’ve been living under a rock, you’ll know that races were few and far between this year; with virtual races taking charge. While I can respect the sentiment behind still signing up for a race to run virtually, they didn’t hold any appeal to me, forcing me to get creative on ways to test my own limits.

At the end of each year I strategically plan which races I will run-some goal races, some training races. This allows me to prepare for the year months in advance-mentally and physically. Yet, there I found myself in mid April, with a decent buildup of mileage behind me, and a summer of training ahead, but no race in site.

Adventures

Instead of throwing in the towel on training, I decided to put the beautiful Colorado summer months to use with adventures around our local mountains. I can not begin to express how grateful I am to have an endless network of trails readily available to explore, ranging from smooth single track at 6,000 ft to high altitude technical at 14,000 ft. A few friends and I embarked on long weekend runs almost every weekend for months…some starting at crazy hours like 3 am (because why not?!) and ranging to 30+ miles. We explored new trails, attempted downhill course records (anyone who runs with me knows I’m not getting an uphill one! :), and said, “how lucky are we!”, far too many times to count. We met new bear friends, became cozy with our headlamps, and comfortable with 100 mile weeks. It was a summer for the books! Little did I know how handy those early mornings and high mileage weeks would come into play later in the year. Soooo many pictures, it's hard to choose which ones to share!

4x2x48

The first personal challenge I decided to undertake was a play on David Goggins 4x4x48 challenge-running 4 miles every 4 hours for 48 hours for a total of 50 miles. This was a year of challenges right, so let’s make that 4 miles every 2 hours for 48 hours for a total of 100 miles. We carved out a weekend in June and headed to Breckenridge to get ready to run, eat, run, eat, repeat for 2 days. While, I think it was a one and done challenge, I had such an amazing time pushing myself through sleep deprivation, fatigue, and that little voice in my head that said I couldn’t do it. It was a challenge that taught me I can do hard things for long periods of time with just a little determination…that would come in handy in just a few months.

Solo 50 Mile

One of the races I had lined up that year was a local 50 mile race on a trail close to my home. The race start is exactly 1.2 miles from my house, and very easily logistically so I convinced Kal to be my aid station at the mile 25 turnaround and decided to tackle the course solo! It was a hot, exposed July day that had me digging deep. This run taught me to never take fellow racers and aid stations for granted! It wasn’t my fastest day with a touch over 8 hours, but a good training run none the less.

I took zero pictures of this! I was trying to stay mentally engaged I guess:)

Grand Traverse

I was fortunate to run one actual race this year through the mountains of Crested Butte Colorado in September. We don’t need to spend much time here, but it was a rough, long day. Almost called it quits at mile 40, but couldn’t think of a good enough excuse :)

Calendar Challenge

The middle of September I sensed the need for one more challenge…enter the calendar challenge-running the day of the month. October sounded like as good of a month as any so after a wonderful vacation in Montana I got out my calendar and started to cross off the days. This challenge was long, dark, and cold, but other than day 23 & 28 I actually really enjoyed it. Clocking upwards of 170 miles in my last week, it was a true test of all the miles logged earlier in the year. As I was still working, most of the runs in the later part of the challenge began in the 4am hour so I was thankful for practice on those early morning runs in the summer.

Consistency

Somehow, in a year filled with roadblocks I was able to log my highest mileage year ever at 4,335 miles with 400,000 feet of climbing. While I did have many long runs over marathon distance, the key to a mileage personal best all came down to one thing…consistency. Consistency in showing up day after day, being patient, keeping the long game in view, and dreaming of ways to keep the fire alive. Life is the same really. We may not know what the future holds and are forced to overcome hurdles, but if we keep showing up day after day we’ll find ourselves looking back at a life full of memories, accomplishments, and dreams. The key to success isn’t some grand idea or single event, but in the day to day routine. If we are committed to stacking building blocks one after another, we may just look back at a life we are truly proud of! So long 2020! You brought me a lot of unexpected joy:)